Identity course
Session 3, Manda Alicino – Audio
Session 4, Clint Perring – Audio
Basson’s notes
(an extract taken from Orphans – “Please sir, may I have some more?”)
Orphans – many, many people grow up as orphans.
They might well grow up with a mother and/or a father, they might even be from a beautiful home in an upmarket suburb, with brothers and sisters, a big yard, a pool and a family dog called “Spike” – yet they enter the world as orphans!
These people are our neighbours, our colleagues at work, our team mates; they are in our churches and in our home groups.
*We might be married to an orphan spirited spouse, and we might well be carrying some of the characteristics of an orphan ourselves.
It is part of our responsibility to identify them (firstly to identify and deal with the plank in our own eyes); to help them to be set free; and to release them as whole people who can reach and release others effectively.
But who are they? How do we recognise orphans? By what characteristics are they identified?
(Remember that if we are honest enough, we will most certainly be able to identify with some of these characteristics in ourselves as well – in fact that’s why we’re doing this exercise.)
Orphans react to society, to circumstances and to life in general from a place of lack.
This is because they are mostly created by a lack of fathering or by bad fathering, mostly resulting in a distorted view of Father God and related to that, a distorted relationship with God the Father.
They are identified by, amongst others, these five great lacks in their lives:
lack of identity;
lack of security (peace);
lack of acceptance;
lack of belonging; and
lack of love.
Each one of these will cause them to react to life in a specific way:
1) Lack of identity:
An orphan often battles to form his own identity.
They struggle to answer the question: “Who am I?” (Exercise)
Especially without referring to what they can do, or what they are good at, especially what they are better at than the next person, because an orphan spirit creates competition and comparison.
An orphan spirit compares and competes – it is a jostling spirit. Mk.9:33-34. (They came to Capernaum. When He (Jesus) was in the house, He asked them (His disciples), “What were you arguing about on the road?” But they kept quiet because on the way they had argued about who was the greatest.”)
Orphans try to find their identity by being better than, by being faster, brighter, richer, smarter, stronger, more gifted, more anointed, more used of God, more spiritual, etc. often running others down, to themselves be noticed, to be accepted, honoured, respected and loved – to be somebody. (How pos. or neg. are you in your comments about others?)
a) To compensate for the lack of own identity, an orphan might well adopt a “chameleon personality”.
Meaning that without a personality of his own, an orphan will be open to adopting any personality that will bring acceptance under the circumstances, or in that specific environment, basically asking:
“Who, or what do you want me to be? How do you want me to act?”
They become actors – posers wearing different masks on different occasions.
This is because of a fear of man – a fear of confrontation that might well lead to rejection.
Q: How do you personally handle a new or foreign environment? E.g. if you are invited to a social event where you know absolutely nobody – let’s say a work function very shortly after an appointment to a very challenging position; or at a parent-teacher-meeting:
Possibly assessing who is who; what is the deal here; what would be the acceptable or appropriate behaviour; what is the general opinion regarding the topic under discussion; before you make similar noises to everyone else?
This “chameleon personality” often leads to different home/work/social/church personalities creating even more confusion to the “Who am I?” question!
b) Secondly orphans might compensate for their lack of identity by taking on a “successful personality”, i.e. the identity or personality which is most likely to succeed, that which works, that which produces the desired results:
The “Pleaser personality” the nice guy – “Whatever you say or want.”
The “Aggressive personality” – “Don’t you dare challenge me, or oppose me, my way of thinking or doing things; you’ve messed with the wrong guy this time!”
The “Emotional outburst personality” – “Ohh, don’t go there, he’ll either explode in a fit of rage or burst out in tears, rather just leave it!” (Every office environment has one of these, although mostly female.)
The Possum “Play dead personality” – he simply ignores difficult people and situations until they go away or change by default.
The “Sulking or nagging personality” – basically wearing others down until they eventually give in and he gets his way (children often use this one very successfully to wear parents down).
All of these examples of personality types are simply examples of different ways of manipulation, designed to get its own way!
Most of these were developed or adopted in early childhood and perfected as life goes on, mostly subconsciously.
Stop and think for a moment: What strategy did your brother or sister use to get his or her own way, with your parents, and with you?
Are they still using this same strategy today? (Chances are that as long as they still produce results, they won’t change it, because they don’t have to.)
Q: What strategy did you use as a child (possibly in defence to, or in response to your siblings)? Are you still using it to get your own way today? (Ask your spouse.)
Q: Which strategies are your children using at home?
c) Thirdly, orphans might react to the lack of personal identity by simply keeping busy, busy, busy!
They find their worth in who they have become in status and title, (this is why some fall into depression after retirement from a profession or a position/rank of status and honour.) and in what they have accumulated, in wealth and in possessions (which explains why a man named Adolf Merckle committed suicide, by jumping in front of an oncoming train, at the age of 76, because he lost millions on the stock exchange, not withstanding the fact that after the loss, he was still a Euro billionaire!).
They become so driven that they never have a quiet moment to stop and think.
They keep up the pace and the white noise all around them, never having a moment of peace to sit down and to reflect on who they actually are, basically fearing who or what they might discover inside of themselves if they ever do!
Q: How mush time do you spend being busy, or in crowds, or surrounded by noise?
Q: how often do you either sit quietly, or walk along the beach with just your own thoughts and the Holy Spirit as your companions?
2) Lack of security:
Orphans tend to feel very insecure. They need constant affirmation – making them recognition junkies! The lack of security is caused by a lack of identity and also causes the lack of belonging, so these characteristics are all interlinked. This lack of security leads to a lack of peace – they battle to be at peace with man: their spouses, their employers, their neighbours, their siblings, etc. and also to be at peace with God. They battle to settle, they tend to always be on the move – checking out the next job opportunity, or a move to Australia or Canada.
Q: How is your relationship with your employer, or with your neighbour – are you ate peace with people around you?
3) Lack of acceptance:
Orphans battle to feel accepted as they are, and therefore mostly wear masks. They tend to be actors and posers, playing different roles to be accepted in differing situations. This way the same person might be described in completely different ways by two people that know him in different contexts, e.g. a work colleague and a social friend.
Q: Are you ever nervous when two people from different “compartments” of your life meet one another – your boss and your spouse, your golf buddy and your pastor?
4) Lack of belonging:
For orphans their fear of rejection often manifests in their lack of a sense of belonging, orphans therefore tend not to take responsibility. They will arrive as a meeting starts and leave as soon as it ends. They do not feel like family, but rather that they are in the way, and are often pleasantly surprised when invited to join in or to add some value.
Q: Do you take ownership?
5) Lack of love:
Orphans are often trapped in a cycle of not reaching out to others for fear of rejection, but in doing so they cut themselves off from receiving love and attention, because of their perceived cold exterior. This is often manifested in quite abrasive body language – a “los my uit houding”.
Q: Do people perceive you as unapproachable or aloof/distant?
The reality is that satan is quite happy for us to be left in this state, because while we do not know who we are, we are unlikely to know who we are called to become as Christians and as leaders in the community and in the church – minimizing our threat to him.
The trouble is that if left unchecked, orphan spirits become orphan leaders, who continue the cycle of creating more insecure, orphaned people, who in turn become orphan leaders!
As soon as Jesus’ identity is revealed, satan feels the threat and attack at the very place of His identity:
Mt.3:17 & 4:1-3
Identity also brings with it purpose – once we know who we are, then it becomes possible to find out what we were created for.
The Big Question – “What is my calling?” can only be answered when we know who we are – first ask “Who am I? What is my identity?”
Once there was no more doubt about the identity of Jesus, He started to reveal His purpose:
Mt.16:13-17 & 21.
This is not only true for Jesus, but for each of us also – our own identity brings with it our purpose, our calling. And our own identity is often locked up in who we see Christ as.
The question of vs 15 comes to each of us “Who do you say that I am?”
Because out of a revelation of who Jesus is to me, I find out who I am and with that I find my own calling!
Peter had a revelation of who Jesus was, and immediately Jesus say to him: “In light of that revelation from My Father, let we tell you who you are and what you are called to.” see vs18-19.
Q: Who is Jesus to you?
Are you living according to this revelation? – check your diary for the honest answer.
You see your Theology and Christology – who and ‘what’ you believe God and Christ to be, determines your values, your values in turn determines your priorities, and these are reflected in your diary and budget!
(Rory Dyer’s story about the guy taking off his watch and leaving his watch, wallet and car keys on the beach as he goes to be baptized – “Lord you can have my life, but I am keeping my time, my finances and my possessions.”)
This morning we are going to ask this all important question:
“Father, how do you see me, who am I in Your eyes?”
The answer is sonship or daughtership through grace.
We can never be a son in the house of God without a Biblical understanding of grace – the unmerited, undeserved favour of God.
1) Ps.2:7 & Mt.3:17 (work through each aspect personally – identity, love, acceptance) in Christ Gal.3:26-28.
Paternity brings identity – a paternity test is a blood test; paternity lies in the Blood! We become sons of the Father by the blood of Jesus. Eph.1:4-7.
Only sons can become fathers, while only fathers can raise up sons.
We do not want to perpetuate sonship, sonship is not the ultimate goal, but we have to start here. Fathers are not born, sons grow up to become fathers.
2) The words of Mt.3:17 are spoken at Jesus’ baptism, not at the Cross – He has done nothing to deserve it yet – no healings, no teaching, no miracles, nothing – sonship is about our position, not about our performance! (Illustration: place a coloured sticker under a chair in the audience, identify and ask a random person to sit on that specific chair as the meeting starts, without them knowing why. Later, at this point in the discussion, ask everyone to check under their chairs for a sticker, and give a chocolate to the one with the sticker-chair. Then make it clear that the person did not deserve the chocolate he only got it because of his position, not his performance. Also make it clear that he did not even choose his own position, he was led in choosing the chair – God pursues us!)
3) Sons vs. servants Jn.15:15-16: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit – fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in My name.”
No matter how many times the gardener washes my car, he will never become my son, even if Josua never washes my car, he will always be my son!
4) Jn.1:12-13 “Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God – children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.”
Mt.3:17 is not only applicable to Jesus, but “to all who received Him, to those who believe in His name”
“not of natural descent” – son of a prostitute, or a mass-murderer, alcoholic, absent father, etc. a new bloodline, a new family tree.
“nor of a human decision” – product of rape, or of incest, or a one night stand.
“or a husbands will” – unwanted/unplanned pregnancy, or the “wrong” gender. Jesus is in this same boat Mt.1:18-19
None of these things are relevant any longer once we have received and accepted the full, complete and final work of the cross of Jesus – we have become children of God!
5) Gal.3:26-4:7 Sonship brings with it a vested right – we are heirs.
How did we become heirs?
Before you become an heir someone has to die – Jesus did vs.4-5 “But when the time had fully come, God sent His Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.”
6) Jn.14:6-7a “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. If you really knew Me, you would know my Father as well.”
What is our inheritance?
Sonship by the blood of Jesus gives us the Father!
Heaven is a great place, not because of the golden streets, but because of the awesome, eternal, unlimited, revealed presence of God!
7) Heb. 2:10-11 “In bringing many sons to glory, it was fitting that God, for whom and through whom everything exists, should make the author of their salvation perfect through suffering. Both the one who makes men holy and those who are made holy are of the same family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.”
Jesus bought our sonship through suffering; 1 Pet.1:18-19 (“For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.”)
This is not a cheap inheritance to squander, this is not lotto winnings that did not cost much!
8- Heb. 12:5-11 being disciplined does not equal being rejected.
Sonship brings about discipline for a future harvest.
Discipline is not religion, discipline does not equal dead works, discipline does not reject grace.
Receiving discipline and living a disciplined (balanced) life is absolutely vital for every son and daughter Mk.1:35 “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.”
9) Rom.8:12-17: “those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God”; suffering produces glory – Phil.2:5-11; suffering does not cancel Sonship, we need to develop a solid theology of Sonship and of suffering in times of peace and prosperity, in order that when we face tough times, we do not question our sonship or identity, by questioning the goodness or motives of God as our Father!
10) Lk.15:25 Restoration to sonship might well bring about tears of sorrow and repentance, but should always end in joy, laughter and in celebration!
Even tears of joy have to turn into joyous laughter, only then has the penny dropped!
The beauty of true sons is seen when we compare their hearts to that of orphans:
A son communicates – providing all the relevant information openly and honestly, being as inclusive as possible. He shares openly and offers relevant advice based on personal experience – both success and failure. He listens with interest and compassion. An orphan manipulates – sharing half or twisted truth, often creating a cloud of suspicion around a person or a situation. He does nothing to set you up for victory, but rather waits for an “I told you so” moment. Keeping information back, he causes insecurity and keeps people dependant on him. He tends to be a disinterested listener (distracted and interrupting), waiting for an opportunity to talk.
A son sows and reaps – not only financially, but in all areas of life: love, care, wisdom, fellowship, hospitality, advice, friendship, etc.
While an orphan scavenges and keeps – always looking for a freebie, always counting the cost and sponging off others in all areas of life: to pay for coffee, to help him move house, to build his son’s tree house, borrowing your caravan or boat, etc., leaving both your wallet and your emotional tank empty!
Sons build relationships based on trust – believing and expecting the best of people. Orphans live in and create suspicion, believing that the world is constantly poised to rip them off, that the universe has conspired against them, and are therefore constantly on their guard.
A son enables and equips people. He sets them up for victory and success, opening doors of opportunity as he goes. He identifies, develops and releases potential. On the other hand, orphans use people as stepping stones, discrediting others in order to self-promote. They will use the input, ideas, or contributions of others to further their own agenda and image (without giving credit).
Sons are servant leaders – again Jesus is the perfect example of Sonship in this regard. Mt.20:25-28 A son encourages followers to take ownership and to become partners in a common goal or desired future. Orphans tend to be dictators – constantly feeling threatened by followers, they often abuse authority to “keep subordinates in line”. Jn.15:15: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
Sons encourage. They look for progress and applaud improvement. Acts 4:36-37 & 11:22-24.
An orphan blames. He has a cynical attitude – policing every incident, ready to expose or accuse.
A son accepts responsibility. He faces challenges, offers solutions and has innovative ideas which he shares with passion and optimism. Orphans, however, offer excuses. They pass the buck, highlight problems, point out the obvious and add pessimism: “I don’t always want to sound negative, but…”
A son believes in grace expressed in love. He realizes that grace is the unmerited favour of God , which he responds to with humility and gratitude. An orphan believes in effort and reward. He needs to deserve or earn everything and is therefore in constant competition and comparison with others.
Sons are secure in their identity and at peace with God and others, seeing the future as an adventure filled with opportunity and potential. Orphans are obviously insecure – viewing the future as a dark abyss filled with endless struggle and effort, and then you die!
Sons enjoy life as a journey of choices guided by the Holy Spirit, and as an opportunity to fulfill their call, adding value as they go. An orphan views life as a series of unfortunate events strung together; or as a terminal, sexually transmitted, disease.
Some helpful how to’s to keep in mind:
Love the people, smile and be friendly, enjoy them – do whatever you have to, to assure them that they are loved by God and by yourself for who they are – not for what they can do or contribute.
People should know that you are for them. That you only ever have their very best interests at heart and that you are setting them up for victory at all times.
We do this by constantly creating an atmosphere where people do not have to prove themselves, but are free and encouraged to flow in the H/S.
We need to release people as far as possible – we are normally better at training and equipping than at releasing. We need to learn how to cope with people’s mistakes – to take risks. If their hearts are for God and for us, then create space for them, give them opportunities.
People thrive under love and encouragement – not under constant fear of rebuke, or constant criticism and correction. Never use guilt as a motivator: “How hungry are you for God; you are not hungry enough for God!” Rather paint the big picture to stir a passion and a hunger for God. Guilt is a manipulator, not a motivator.
Season your conversation with encouragement and affirmation, avoid cynicism, spite and sarcasm.
Where to from here?
I believe God has highlighted some things in each one’s heart.
Take a moment of just being quiet, wait on God, allow the Holy Spirit to remind you of that which spoke to you. Write them down, now.
Which orphan characteristics do you carry?
Which of the aspects of Sonship do you battle to identify with?
a) It will be helpful to identify these in order to help you to develop your relationship with the Father. The foremost purpose of this session is to help facilitate restoration to our Heavenly Father.
b) Secondly, it would be very helpful to review in which areas you have acted and reacted towards the leadership from an orphan spirit, rather than from the position of a son in the house. (You might want to take one of the elders, or your life group leader for coffee to confess and repent – an orphan would want to sweep this under the carpet, a son wants to bring things into the light and to be restored.)
This goes beyond the Eldership and affects your relationship with all authority figures – including your earthly father, your employer, etc.
c) A third very important aspect would be to identify areas in which you were leading as an orphan. In your own life there will be areas in which you’ve operated in an orphan spirit and with that mindset. This will inevitably have an effect on your marriage – how you lead your wife. It affects the spiritual climate in your home, and it greatly affects your fathering of your own children – are you bringing through sons?
We need to pay careful attention to these different areas, in order to grow into sons that will mature into fathers. We have an incredibly vital role to play in our homes, our communities and churches in this regard. The world is desperate for fathers – men who have been restored to the Father and who can help others to become sons in the house.
